


Golden Warmth

by leleletizinha



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Modern Royalty, Phandom Big Bang 2017, Rape/Non-con Elements, Religious Conflict, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Violence, also why are my fics inspired by p!atd's songs?? asking the real questions, and mrs.lester deserved better just saying, but especially phil that boi did love some gold hmm, i tried soz, strap yaselves in lads bc they just suffer throughout the whole fic, they both need a break and so do i, watch out for those Golden References that Symbolism, yes i made them suffer again can you believe it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-23
Updated: 2017-10-23
Packaged: 2019-01-21 14:28:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12459699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leleletizinha/pseuds/leleletizinha
Summary: Dan and Phil have been friends, and peasants, for as longs as they can remember, only having each other to get through life and living in a country strictly governed by a cruel King. On one unfaithful night, Phil's life turns upside down, as everything he'd ever known changed suddenly, and he was forced to run away, but, luckily, he had Dan by his side. Now, with little to no money and having to make it as far away from the village they lived as possible, Phil is trying to understand his feelings and finally be happy, while being aware of the threat that "they" could come after him anytime.





	Golden Warmth

**Author's Note:**

> heyyy after six months i'm back with a new fic and it's for the pbb 2017, can you believe it? this was also inspired by a p!atd song, like my last fic, but this one i took inspiration from Far Too Young To Die. i wanted to thank my beta @spookysonofabitch for helping me and also @phandom4ever for the [amazing art](https://shadowlight28.deviantart.com/art/Phandom-Big-Bang-2017-Art-719045761?ga_submit_new=10%3A1512747393)! i hope you enjoy this :))

Everything was golden and it all seemed so perfectly fake; how could such a beautiful life be possible? Well, at least, not for Phil.

All Phil had ever known were monochrome colors, a life full of melancholy, sad expressions, tiredness and never getting anything back for everything he’d ever given; except for the warm shade of brown of his best friend’s eyes. And he was lucky to see those eyes every day for seventeen years; Phil could never get tired of them. Actually, he could never get tired of Dan; the boy was like his personal salvation, making him hate that life a bit less.

“This may be one of the most beautiful days I’ve ever seen,” the boy lying right next to Phil said in a soft tone, a genuine smile on his face that quickly faded. “But even a day like this can’t be perfect.”

The sky was somehow a mix of orange and pink, but its reflection made everything golden. The crops looked as if they were worth a million pounds and so did the lake that lay in front of them. It was so hot and it looked like there might've been a bit of hope for both of them, the way the sun brightened up everyone else’s day was magnificent; a miracle, some may say. And did they need more days of pure happiness, where nothing was bad and everyone was just there, living.

Phil turned to face Dan and he stopped breathing for a moment, Dan looked like a sculpture lying in the sun’s golden light, each one of his features engraved impeccably. When did Dan even get like that?

“Nothing lasts forever, but days when the sky looks like this will always come around, no matter what, Danny,” Phil answered.

“That was beautifully cheesy.” Dan laughed and turned to Phil. “But stop calling me Danny!”

“You’ll have to stop me then, Danny.” Phil laughed, his tongue sticking out. That was a honest bit of happiness, if only they could have that all the time.

But it wasn’t possible to achieve such happiness where and how they lived. They could only pursue that, but, deep down, they knew that just wasn’t realistic. And their time there, lying in the sun and feeling the grass under their back was running out, they should get back soon, they didn’t want to meet the consequences of them staying there ‘till longer than the sunset.

“It’s getting late, we should head back,” Dan said. The boy got up quickly, Phil, however, didn’t want to move from there.

He was so comfortable there, lying as if time didn’t exist and he could appreciate everything that surrounded him. Now going back to the village and trying to survive wasn’t an option, Phil could easily give all of that up, he’d already accepted the fact that nothing would ever change in his life, that it would always be the same as ever; he’d find a wife, have a couple of kids and that would be it.

Then why couldn’t he just give up?

“Hey, Philly, stop daydreaming, let’s go,” Dan whispered softly, as if any word would cause Phil any harm, because, really, they would.

Dan helped Phil get to his feet and they started making their way home in utter silence, but it wasn’t that kind of awkward silence, because words weren’t necessary for Dan to comfort Phil when his friend was sad, which happened more often than not.

“Do you ever think about joining the rebellion?” Dan broke the silence.

Phil shuddered; he didn’t want to dwell on that in that moment. “Yeah, but I don’t think I would.” He looked at his friend and was met with a confused look. “Don’t get me wrong, I hate the monarchy too, but I don’t think I’d be the most suited person to join them, I can’t do anything.”

“Yes, you can, Phil. You’re smart, but you’re just too pure to join them, that’s the truth,” Dan commented and they both chuckled.

“What about you? Planning on joining them?” Sadness was so obvious in Phil’s tone; he thought about how he was be so easy to read.

“Probably. You see, we both know there’s not much for anyone who lives in the village, we’ll have the bad same lives as everyone, or even worse. And I don’t think there’s any sense in doing that, but you already know that.”

Phil did know about that. Dan was constantly talking about how he needed to do something important with his life, Dan needed to do something that said he  _was_ here and that he left his mark on the world. Phil didn’t think like that because he knew that was unrealistic, how could someone like them do such a thing? But his friend didn’t think life could make any sense without a meaning.

“And I think if I join the rebellion I’ll have a purpose in my life, something to fight and live for.” Dan paused and thought for a second. “Even if a die at some point, I’d be dying so that people can have a better life in the future, and that’s what matters right?”

Dan looked away and Phil didn’t answer, did he really need to though? Well, he didn’t even know how he could even respond to that.

“But you wouldn’t be there,” Dan said.

“You'd meet new people, Dan, you know that, right?”

“Yes, but they wouldn’t be _you._ ” Dan gently elbowed Phil. “Who would listen to my deep thoughts at night? Or keep me company?”

“Fair point.” Phil chuckled.                  

They were getting closer to the village and the sky was almost pitch black, but they knew the path to there, after all, they had gone to that corn field since they found it ten years ago, so that wouldn’t be a issue.

“When does your mom get back?” Dan asked. That was a touchy subject, but he wanted to check on Phil.

“She said she'd get back next week, but she wasn't entirely sure.”

“I see,” Dan said, almost a whispering. “Have you ever wondered where she goes? Or have you at least tried to ask her?”

“C’mon, Dan, of course I have, but she never told me anything and always got mad when I questioned her.” Phil looked behind him, as if he was waiting for his mother to appear from behind a tree. “I remember this particular day, I think I was six and I tried to follow her to wherever she goes. I ended up walking in circles and then I was back home ‘cause she realized I was following her. I got lectured that day.”

Dan laughed briefly and fixed his fringe. “What do you think she does? Got any theories on that?”

“I’ve speculated lots of things before, but, honestly, as long as she is okay and makes some money, I don’t care about what she does.” That wasn’t exactly the truth, because Phil cared a lot about what she did for a living, but she had guaranteed him that she was not doing something wrong and that she was not getting hurt.

“Great.” Dan scoffed at Phil and the boy did nothing but stick his tongue out. “Um, have your heard of a girl from the village, Michelle?”

“I have, why?”

“Heard that she’s into you.” Dan’s tone sounded sort of strange, but Phil couldn’t quite read it, so he just ignored it.

“And?” Phil chuckled and he realized he was almost at home, _oh no_. “I’ve talked to her before, but she’s just… I don’t even know, I just don’t like her.”

“C’mon, she’s not that bad.”

“Are you trying to make me into her?” Phil amused Dan. They both laughed out loud and they were near Phil’s place. “So, this is it.”

“D'you think we meet again tomorrow?” Dan asked, but, this time, Phil sensed some kind of desperation in his voice.

“I don’t think so; I’ve got things to do, sorry.”

“Okay then, bye.”

Dan came closer and hugged Phil and time stopped for a couple of seconds. Phil wished he could just stay there forever, feeling all that warmth and affection that he always craved on every cold night, when he was all by himself in the dark. Dan was his favorite person, not that Phil knew lots of people, but, even if he did, Dan would still have been the only person he would ever need.

Phil watched as Dan made his way to his house, his silhouette fading in with the darkness around them; there were no lamps around the village and only the light from candles inside the houses lit the street. When his friend was already gone, and probably home already, Phil knew that he was all by himself now, and the time had come, a look in the mirror confirmed that: he looked worse than he’d ever been; his dark fringe was all messy and the bags under his eyes were so deep, as if he hadn’t slept for ages, which was true, he was so exhausted but he couldn’t bring himself to sleep.

The dark-haired boy felt drained, physically and emotionally drained, how could he keep on living like that? Was that even living? His thoughts were interrupted as soon as he walked into his room and saw the noose hanging on the ceiling and a chair opposite it. He hadn’t killed himself last night, but how long would Phil last? Maybe a day, or a week, months or years perhaps, but, right now, he couldn’t take it anymore.

Phil stood on the chair and put his neck around the noose. He just needed to jump and everything would be over. Nothing would bother him and he wouldn't feel any emotion ever again. Phil could do it and it was the right thing, right? It would be quick and then it would all be over. His right foot was hanging in the air now, yeah, he was going to do it.

What about all the questions he would never know the answer to? That didn’t matter. And all the little things he would never be able to interact with again? That also didn’t matter. Phil stepped a bit forward and the noose was getting tighter around his neck.

But then he made a silly mistake: he thought about his mother and Dan, the only ones who could ever love him. What would happen to them after Phil died? What would be the consequences of him taking his life? Was it worth to take his own life just to see two other people he loved taking theirs? And, even if they lived after Phil’s death, nothing would ever be the same and it would be his fault. Just the thought of his mother or Dan finding him, dead and hanging in the air, sent chills up his spine.

“’For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’,” Phil mumbled as he took his neck off the noose and sit on the chair, feeling numb and staring at the noose. “Pointless devotion.”

He spent some time sitting there, minutes, or maybe even an hour, staring at that thing that could’ve been the death of him, and wishing that some kind of miracle would happen and turn things around. But Phil was nothing but a simple peasant, who was doomed to a live an annoyingly bad and normal life. So he did the only thing he knew exactly how to do: he went to bed and, for the first time in weeks, but with dry tears in his eyes, Phil slept.

 

The sun was bright up in the sky, illuminating everything and waking up everyone. Unfortunately, that single night of sleep wasn’t enough to make Phil feel refreshed and he needed more sleep, or, at least, a day in bed doing nothing at all; but he had things to do, important things, and he couldn’t let down one of the people that was one of the reasons he didn’t kill himself last night.

When Phil finally mustered his courage to get out of bed, he knew he’d lost the opportunity to start his day early and then he’d be able to get home sooner, and now he felt like an even bigger fail for doing that. _There’s really no hope for me_ , thought Phil, _though things might just keep getting worse_. He was also aware that there were people living in worse conditions than him, which made him feel even worse.

He started his day eating way less than yesterday; Phil didn’t want to eat anyway, but he still needed to eat to maintain his body, otherwise he would collapse soon after finishing doing everything he was going to do. Then he made his way to the crops behind his house, and, thankfully, the crops were ripe, even though that meant he’d have to spend hours harvesting them, but that would make some money, maybe even more than enough.

Finally, after almost four hours, he was done harvesting and now he had to go to the village center, where everyone sold their goods and usually met up for an event, and, as no one could never get near the palace, they’d also usually announce something in the center, where all peasants could do no harm to the nobility or the royal family. Phil gathered all fruits and vegetables and started walking towards the center, it was only a ten-minute walk from his house to there, but he already felt worn out so he was slightly slowing his pace.

The center wasn’t a beautiful place, but it was the most organized place in the village, of course. It was basically a big circle, and it worked almost like a fair, there were people who sold things and people who bought things; the richest people in the village used to live nearby. There were some royal guards just to make sure no one would ever try starting a revolution right there or something, or, at least, that’s what they were supposed to do, but they always wound up picking on someone or maybe even beating them up just for fun. Phil tried to avoid them, but it was impossible: he had to go through them to get to the center.

“Look up; I need to see who you are,” Nathaniel, one of the guards, said. Phil looked at him and his hands began to shake, but he had to try and stay calm, sell the things, and go home. Easy. “Thought you were dead, Lester. It’s been ages since you’ve last come here.” Nathaniel smirked as he talked to Phil, and the boy flinched. And the guard was right; when Phil’s mom was around he would do anything, sometimes even overwork himself, to escape going there and seeing some specific guards.

Nathaniel was tall, even taller than Phil, he had a dark skin, a beautiful shade that looked like the sky late at night and his hair was black and very curly. Nathaniel, as well as all the other guards, was a handsome man, and he seemed so polite and righteous, but he was everything but that. Although everyone knew what the guards did to some specific people, they would never say a thing out loud, too afraid of what could happen to them.

“Yeah.” That was all Phil was able to say.

“Go on then.” Phil stepped forward but then Nathaniel grabbed his arm. “Will we have some fun later? We’ll let you decide what you want,” He whispered.

Phil quickly unleashed himself from the guard and ran to a corner far away from the guards. He leaned against the wall and tried to control his breathing, but he didn’t accomplish that. The dark-haired boy felt the tears in the corners of his eyes and just completely sat on the ground, sobbing all alone. What was it that got him like that? And why did he have to break down all the time? Phil was just so weak and could barely keep it together.

After a while, Phil was able to convince himself that it was okay, he was okay and he just had one thing to do; so he grabbed his bag, which contained all the fruits and vegetables, and walked towards a table.

“Hey, Will,” Phil said, trying his best to sound like he hadn’t just cried, but it was inevitable. He was sure the look on his face couldn’t hide his red nose and puffy eyes.

Will was a nice old chap, a simple merchandiser and he paid very well, or perhaps he just liked Phil. The boy had known William since he was little, back when he’d come to the center with his mother once in a while, but then, after a certain day, _it_ began and Phil stopped going there. Will was like a grandfather for Phil, sometimes he’d go to the Lester’s house and just hang out with Phil, teaching him things and playing games with him, as if the dark-haired boy was the only kind of family he’d ever had.

“How’ve you been, kid?” Will answered. He looked at Phil and his expression changed quickly. “To avoid seeing them again when you go back home, go through the woods, behind Ransom’s house. It’ll take longer, but you will be fine, okay, sea boy?”

It was impossible for Phil to not smile at the nickname.  Will started calling Phil “sea boy” when the old man told Phil about the ocean, all the animals and plants that inhabited it and how beautiful it looked when the sun reflected on it on summer. Then, Phil just got even more curious about the ocean and always wanted William to take him and his mother to the beach. He was so interested in the sea that he found the corn field with Dan, where there was a lake that the two boys loved.

“Here you go,” Will handed Phil the money. “Now, be careful and get home safe.”

“Alright, thanks for everything.” Phil smiled.

Phil counted the money and thankfully, it was more than enough, actually, even _more_ than more than enough; he’d have to thank Will for that later, but now he was focused on getting back home and then just lying in bed contemplating his lack of strength and will to live. The boy walked over to Ransom’s house, which was located almost on the end of the village and belonged to a man who hadn’t left his house in years, some people said that he’d died, but no one never confirmed it; and then he found a path behind the probably dead man’s house. It looked like no one had gone through there in years, the grass was very tall and Phil couldn’t see much far ahead because the path curved and then all he saw were trees, but he began to walk anyway.

He knew he would get home late and even more tired than he already was, which was bad, but then he’d have basically nothing to do on the next day and would be able to spend the whole day in bed, or maybe hang out with Dan and forget, for some hours, that he had to exist and be a functional member of society, instead of just a boy joking around and having fun with his friend. _If only I could spend the rest of my life with Dan_ , Phil thought, _no, no, no; that’s weird and not possible_. Then Phil remembered another problem: if he didn’t off himself, where would he find someone to be with him? Could he do that? He could ask Michelle to hang out with him another time and give her a chance, but would he be happy by her side? Well, that was a question for another time because right now the dark-haired boy just wanted to go to bed; and, thankfully, he was almost home.

It was such a tiring day, but the sky looked so beautiful that it made Phil smile, and he wished he could see what’s it like up there, maybe travel to the stars; and, if they were right, he could ask Him why, just a simple “why”. But, for now, he was grateful to know that even if there wasn’t a reason to everything, nature would always remain as the most fascinating aspect about living on Earth. The sea, the sky, the plants, the animals, human beings; all part of nature, all stunning in their own way. Perhaps not everything had to have a meaning, just like his life.

The key to his house fell of Phil’s pocket and he collected it quickly, while sighing, and wanting to lay down anywhere, even in the street, he wouldn’t mind it. But there he was: standing in front of his home, still alive, breathing and somehow, kind of sane. Today he wouldn’t need the noose, not now when it was permanently wrapped around his neck, making him feel sick and half-dead. Phil unlocked the door and, at the sight of black hair, he was taken back. She was sitting on the floor, looking like a mess and sobbing out loud. The dark- haired tripped and almost fell down, but she caught him.

“Philip! I thought you were dea—” She held his shoulder tightly, but then pulled him into a hug. “I looked for you all over the village and when I saw that noose in your room I just—I—I assumed you had—”

She couldn’t even speak, and Phil began to cry as well, if only his mother knew what happened last night and why he didn’t do it. But Mrs. Lester looked so hysterical, she seemed like she wanted to say something important and had to do it quickly. The woman interrupted her crying and controlled her breathing, and then she looked at Phil and the boy saw bravery in her eyes; he knew that same look from before, every time his mother came back home after days of being away, she had that same look.

Phil thought she was going to argue with him and lecture him, but she pulled him into a hug and began to cry again, although that wasn’t the same honest crying he heard before. In a quick movement, she pulled his head to her shoulder and began to whisper in his ear.

“Now, child, I need you to listen to me and pay attention to what I’m gonna tell you, it’s very important.” Phil could feel how tense she was. “I’ve planned something revolutionary and I’m about to do something extremely dangerous. I need you to go, run far, far away from here; and then live. But, if they ever find you, be careful and do what you think it’s the right thing; I’ll always be proud of you, no matter what, okay?” Mrs. Lester really wasn’t crying, but her voice broke a little at the end.

“Mom, I—” Phil pulled away from her, but then she pulled him back into that hug.

“I’m not finished.” The boy didn’t need to look at her to know that she had that stern look on her face. “When I pull away, I’ll hand you some money and you’ll go away; find a path that no one knows and go through there, no one can know about this; now you understand why I’m whispering.

“I’ll probably never see you again, Philly, and I’m so, so sorry, but you need to know that I’m doing this for you, and for the future. I hope you can understand and forgive me one day, I never wanted things to turn out like this, but it’s necessary. I love you, my boy.”

She pulled away, handed Phil some money and began to caress Phil’s cheek. The dark-haired boy was crying, but his mother wasn’t, Mrs. Lester wouldn’t breakdown now that her son was about to go away forever. If that was it, the last moment they’d share together, she wanted Phil to remember her as a strong woman, who did everything for her son, which was true. And, even if he never discovered all the reasons for her behavior and why she was doing what she was doing, Mrs. Lester would be okay with that, because if Phil finding out about his life meant that bad things could eventually happen to him, her boy could be “blind” forever.

“I know you want out,” she spoke very softly, but every word cut deeply into Phil’s heart, he wouldn’t forget a thing about their last moment. “But I also know you want someone else more than you want out, so go for it, Phil; achieve happiness. What would be the point of me doing anything if you weren’t going to end up happy?”

Phil didn’t quite understand what she meant, but, deep inside, he knew and was happy that his mother approved and was supportive of it, but it just wasn’t possible, right? It couldn’t happen and there was no way it could ever work. But he longed for it, and, even though it wasn’t going to fix every problem he had in his life, it would mean his happiness, which was more than he deserved, but exactly what would give him have a meaning; a reason to wake up every day think that he wouldn’t go anywhere because of that special one.

“I think I should get going,” Phil said, his voice sounding so low he wasn’t even sure she’d heard him.

“It’s about time.” Mrs. Lester nodded and let go of him, but only after wiping away his last tear.

The boy turned to the door and went out, but this time, it was forever. He was never going to see that village, his house or his mom again, but that hadn’t settled in his mind yet. But, now, he had something more important to worry about: where would he go? No one could find him and he had to go as far away as he could go. Phil quickly remembered the way to the corn field, and how no one besides Dan and him knew about it and how it could lead to anywhere, really, he lived in the countryside, so the village boy could end up going to a big city.

And through his secret path he went, trying not to freak out, otherwise he wouldn’t even make it too far.

But, thankfully, it didn’t take long to get there, seeing as now Phil was running in the corn field; adrenaline forcing him to go further and further and making him feel more alive than he’d ever feel; Phil felt every heartbeat, every tired muscle of his body aching, but he had to run. Did he even have another choice? And, also the boy didn’t want to let his mother down; it would actually make him feel worse emotionally than he already felt. Phil couldn’t quite focus on his surroundings and it was so dark that the boy nearly fell three times, he couldn’t distinguish anything out there, and he just kept running anyway.

As he ran, the dark-haired boy noticed a silhouette floating on the lake, which scared him, obviously, after all, who could be there, knowing that only Dan and Phil knew about that place, on the lake, at night, after the village curfew? It could be anyone, and his mom warned him about “them”, so, reasonably, he should keep running; ignore whoever was there and keep moving, or he’d have to deal with whatever were the consequences of checking who that was.

But Phil’s curiosity overcame his fear.

The boy walked over to the body and he realized they weren’t floating, in fact, they were drowning. And Phil, being the good person he was, wanted to help, regardless of who that person was; after all, they might also help him, and did he need someone’s guidance right now.

Now, he wasn’t the strongest person, but maybe Phil could pull them out of the lake, and they were on the water, so the body was supposed to be lighter. It would be easy and wouldn’t take too long, or maybe Phil wasn’t thinking straight and that was the worst thing he could do at that moment. But when did he ever think straight? The boy didn’t even think he was straight, for God’s sake.

There was no light nearby and Phil didn’t quite know where he could and couldn’t step, and any misstep would cause him to probably drown as well, which was something he couldn’t afford. So he peered over the person to check how tall they were and try to calculate how far he would have to pull them, but then he noticed their body, their curly hair, and he recognized their outfit: Phil gave Dan that shirt a few years ago, the most special and the only gift Phil had ever given someone.

The dark-haired boy stopped breathing for a moment. That couldn’t be Dan because then, if that was really Dan, Phil would…

Phil was officially freaking out, that _was_ Dan. His mind kept going “ _it’s Dan, it’s Dan, it’s Dan, it’s Dan, help him! You have to get him out of there, otherwise he’ll…_ ”, but the boy was paralyzed, he didn’t want to believe, he didn’t want that to be real; Dan couldn’t die, he was the only thing Phil could hold on to, right now more than ever; and that was the truth. The sound of Dan coughing made the dark-haired boy come to his senses and realized there was still a chance to save his friend before he choked to death.

He rushed to Dan and tried to pull him, but it didn’t work, instead of being lighter, the boy drowning felt so heavy; so Phil decided to try again, but this time he’d pull even harder. Phil was willing to rip his arms in half if it meant he would save Dan.

This time Phil realized there was something pulling Dan down, the other boy had his foot wrapped around something that kept him underwater, and he wouldn’t get out of there if he wasn’t released from whatever was trapping him. The dark-haired boy didn’t even think, he just acted and jumped into the water; despite of how dark it was, how cold the water was, and how tired and weary he felt. Phil traced down the side of Dan’s body until he reached his foot, but he needed to breathe. He went up and then down into the water again.

It felt surreal, being underwater. Life was just so easy when there wasn’t any noise around, when everything could end as fast as it had begun. Maybe joining Dan wouldn’t be a bad idea.

No, it was a bad idea and he couldn’t let his friend die. There was so much at stake; he wasn’t going to do it. Instead, he dipped and untied the rope around Dan’s foot, which was pretty tight around it, freed him and finally emerged with Dan, and, thankfully, he was still breathing, somehow.

“What on Earth were you doing Dan?!” Phil said under his breath.

“Oh, I was just trying to become a fish,” Dan answered, breathless, if Phil didn’t know Dan for such a long time, he wouldn’t be able to make out any word Dan said. “For fuck’s sake, Phil, what did it even look like? I was trying to kill myself, obviously.” At that point, Dan was basically clinging onto Phil, as the dark-haired boy had his arms hanging around Dan’s shoulder, which had his arm around Phil’s waist. “But what the hell are you doing here?”

Phil tensed and Dan stopped walking. Could he know about what Phil’s mother told him? Should Phil even tell Dan about it? Was that even a good time to tell him? _Probably not_ , Phil thought, and decided to change the subject. “Are you okay? What happened? Why were you drowning yourself, but, like, on purpose?”

Dan rolled his eyes, but then his face changed and he looked away from Phil. “I—I—I don’t know how to explain it, Phil… I can’t put it into words, I—” He paused and tried to control his breathing, but it didn’t work and he was almost hyperventilating. “I don’t feel real and there’s no meaning in my life, there's _nothing_. So why waste years and years wondering and questioning, knowing I’ll never find an answer and feel empty forever, if I can just put an end to it all? Feeling insane—”

Dan was crying and Phil just felt his heart compressing, emotional pain almost turning into physical pain. And the worse part of that was the he didn’t even know exactly how to process that; no thoughts, no sentences, no words, he couldn’t explain the pain, he just felt it, and that was the worst part.

Phil tried to hug Dan, but the boy backed off and finally faced Phil, but he just looked incredulous, as he’d described. “You haven’t answered me.”

“Sorry?”

“What are you doing here?

Phil tensed. Couldn’t they talk about that later? Did they really have to do that now, after everything that they’d been through on that day? “Oh, nothing. Just wondering around, you know.”

“You’ve always been a terrible liar. And you’re all tense now that I questioned you.” Dan had a point and he was not going to change his mind, the boy wanted answers. “Why are you here, late at night, and just happened to find me?”

“I was following you.”

“No, you weren’t.”

“How’d you know?”

“Not only was I checking to see if there was someone behind me, but I’ve also been here for a long time, and no one came to help. I know you would’ve helped as soon as you saw me.”

Phil sighed, there was no way he could convince Dan otherwise. But he didn’t want to put Dan in danger, more endangered than he already was, and, to be quite honest, his mind was in overdrive, so Phil would try to make him go away. “Go home, Dan. Stay safe and don’t do anything that might hurt you.”

“Oh, yeah, right, as if. You saw me nearly drowning and you think I’m just gonna go home and keep living like nothing happened?” Dan shouted and scoffed. He pulled away from Phil, pulled the other’s hand to his and started walking. “I’m going with you to wherever you’re headed.”

“No! Dan, please!” Phil stopped and was facing Dan, his hands holding the boy’s shoulders. “You can’t go with me; I don’t even know where I’m going. I don’t even know what I’m gonna do or if I’m gonna survive…” Phil really should’ve thought about lots of things before he just rushed out of his house, but now was not the time to think.

“Okay, but I know for sure that if you don’t let me go with you I’m going back to that goddamn lake and fucking kill myself.” Dan shouted, sounding high pitched at the end. “It almost seems like you don’t even care about me, Phil.”

“Listen to me, Dan.” Phil placed his hands on Dan’s cheeks and looked him in the eyes. “I do care about you, seriously; I care so much about you that I didn’t off my—” He wouldn’t tell Dan. Maybe if things were different, he would tell him, or, perhaps, that night wouldn’t have even happened. “So do that for me, go home for me, live another day for me; don’t give up for me. I’ll be back tomorrow, don’t worry. You’ve still got—”

“I can’t, Phil! Don’t you understand?! I can’t do that, even if it’s for you.” Even though the boy was enraged, he didn’t move an inch. “And don’t you dare lie straight to my face like that, I know you’re not coming back!”

“Okay, you’re coming with me then,” Phil said, finally giving in to Dan; after all, he couldn’t let the boy all alone after he’d witnessed.

They started walking towards north, where Phil thought whoever “they” were wouldn’t be able to find them, and, if they ever did, the boys would be nearing the frontier of what one day was “Scotland”. Phil was walking too fast and Dan just couldn’t keep up, but he was anxious that someone would just come out of nowhere and they would be the people his mother warned him about. The two of them walked in silence, but they kept looking at each other, clearly worried about how the other was doing; considering that both of them actually had no idea of what happened to one another.

“Will you tell me what’s going on now?” Dan asked. “And, please, slow down, this is too much exercise for me. It’s not like we’re running away from something, or is it?”

“Um, a—Actually, yes, it is.” Phil hesitated. “We’re running from ‘them’. And, no, I don’t know who they are, or what do I have to do from now on, but I thought that it’d be better if we went to the north, for now.”

“Wait, are you really running away from some people, with no plan, like this?” Dan stopped Phil, who was getting really annoyed at that point.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Man, I should’ve really killed myself,” Dan mumbled.

“Hey, don’t say that!” Phil tried not to imagine if he got to the lake too late and Dan was already dead, but that thought alone was enough to make him shiver. “Also, you were the one who wanted to come with me, I told you to go home and stay safe, I never wanted you to get involved in any of this.”

“Phil!” Dan cried. “This is reckless! And you’re not telling me the full story, so you better tell me everything right now or I’ll drag you back to that village with me.”

Phil looked at both sides, just to make sure there was no one other than them there, and told Dan about what happened previously.

“But do you believe her?” Dan asked.

“Of course I do, she’s my mom, Dan.” Phil was astonished. “Also, how couldn’t I believe her after everything she’s done for me?”

“I don’t know, but that sounds like some crazy made-up story. Are you sure she hasn’t lost it?”

“Dan!”

“Sorry, it’s just that… That’s unbelievable, you know.”

“Yeah, but we can’t just go back now; both of us can’t, you know that.”

“C’mon, we can totally go back there and pretend that we’re still obnoxiously happy instead of this,” Dan responded, and turned sad at that exact moment. “Believe it or not, I’d rather keep running away from that place forever, never knowing where to stop, than going back.”

Phil was about to say something when he tripped over his feet and nearly fell with his face flat on the ground, but somehow Dan was quick and caught Phil by the hand.

“You OK there? You’ve been tripping over your own feet your whole life, I swear to God!” Dan chuckled. “If you keep tripping over everything one day I might not be there to catch you.”

“Good thing I won’t let you go anywhere but my side,” Phil said in a rush. “I mean, someone’s gotta be there to save me, yeah?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Dan intertwined their fingers, which made Phil’s heart suddenly do that flippy-over thing, but he ignored it, and they kept going north; two boys walking to somewhere, without any plan, carrying heavy pasts on their backs, and trying to hold on to last trace of hope for a better life, maybe. A life where they weren’t alone, or, at the very least, one where they had a meaning.

* * *

 

 

The months flew by, seasons changed, and Dan and Phil made their way up north. Somehow they were able to get there, but they thought they weren’t going to make it because they didn’t have much money to spend, they were on their own for basically the first time in their lives, and they hadn’t had much experiences, so it was all new. As expected, they faced some casualties, like someone stealing some money from them, all the nights they had to sleep on the ground because there wasn’t a campsite, having to eat even less food than they usually ate because they were running short of money. But, in the end, they made it; they settled in a village northwest, almost at the frontier. It was little, there weren’t many people living there, but, luckily, they were able to get jobs and even buy a house for themselves. Of course, it took them a lot of time to achieve all of that and get to the north, and they were still struggling.

But Phil knew that things had gotten better when he left the house feeling sort of free, a new sensation he had never felt before, and it felt so good; or when he caught Dan smiling for no reason, seeming more chilled and, perhaps, happier. The two of them worked at different places, at different hours, and were almost constantly working, but they always found some time to be together, they needed each other’s presence, it was reassuring, for some reason. They’d go to different places around the village and spent all their time alone, which they both would usually spend recharging, actually together. Dan and Phil were closer than they’d ever been, and that felt great.

In one of those nights they found a place that wasn’t too far away from the village, but it was distant enough so that they’d could find some peace, like the corn field they found years ago in the old village; they kept their tradition. They were both tired, but going there for maybe an hour or less was worth it because it was just so special to them. The two boys were lying side by side on the top of some hill, looking at the sky.

“Who’ve thought that eight years later we’d still be doing this?” Phil asked.

“Wow, Phil, that’s the cheesiest thing I’ve ever heard.” Dan chuckled.

“It’s supposed to be cheesy!” Phil said as they both laughed.

They fell into comfortable silence for a while and Phil was already lost in thoughts. He felt confused, something seemed kind of off, or maybe it was just him being weird again.

“I still can’t believe that we made it,” Dan whispered and scooted a bit closer Phil.

Phil didn’t say anything, after all, they did make it, but he felt like something was missing; it just wasn’t enough. But what was missing? When would he feel whole? When would he feel like that life was enough? The boy had escaped from the place he dreaded, he had a steady job, a house, and was living with his best friend, someone who knew him better than himself. And now maybe there wasn’t enough air in the world because Phil felt like he was suffocating, he felt trapped and he needed to go away from there. He was freaking out and sure that anyone who had a quick glance at him would know that.

“Phil?” Dan said, he hadn’t looked at Phil yet. But then, when he turned to the boy lying next to him, Phil was silent, but he was shaking so much. “Are you okay? What happened? I—”

“Get me out of here, please,” Phil struggled, but managed to say.

Dan swiftly pulled Phil by the hand and they went to their house. They walked in silence, but Dan was constantly looking at Phil, searching for a sign of what was happening. Phil, on the other hand, was trying to avoid Dan’s stares at all costs, he just wanted to fade away; but he had to calm down, he didn’t want to make Dan worried, that was unnecessary, and he was too polite to say anything about his state. It took only ten minutes to get home, but for the dark-haired boy, it felt like an eternity.

“Here, sit,” Dan said, “I’ll get you some water.”

And Phil was left alone for two minutes while Dan went to the kitchen. He had to calm down, breathe and move on before Dan got back, but it was hard, it all came flooding back and he was so afraid; Phil hadn’t forgotten about what his mother told him about “them” and he lived thinking that they’d eventually come someday and all this happiness, this limited slice of heaven, would end. What scared him the most perhaps was what could happen to Dan, after all, he was doing so well and that made him feel so good; Phil couldn’t let anyone take that smile off Dan’s face. When the boy realized, his friend was back with a cup of water.

“Phil, talk to me, what happened?” Dan asked.

“I’m okay, don’t worry,” Phil answered. “I just felt a bit light-headed for a moment, but it’s fine now.”

Phil smiled weakly and he knew that Dan wasn’t convinced, but he saw the tension on Dan’s shoulders drop along with a sigh and that was enough for him.

“Sorry, I was just so worried about you,” Dan said, sitting next to Phil on their couch. “But is everything really fine now?”

“Yes, Dan, and I’m sorry I worried you.” Phil gave Dan’s shoulder a little squeeze. “But were you that worried about losing me? That’s adorable,” Phil teased.

“You know what? I’m never worrying about you ever again.” Dan elbowed Phil and they both started laughing.

“Well, if I had died you could’ve sold me for some money.”

“C’mon, you’re cute I could’ve made lots of money by selling you,” Dan said and immediately regretted it. “Wait, no, that’s not what I meant, I—”

“Then I’d make even more money if you died,” Phil said and winked. He got up and left the room: a playful smile on his face and a different feeling, something new, bright, colorful, and, honestly, terrifying.

* * *

 

A few days after Phil’s panic attack and Dan’s not-so-subtle slip, there was a change in the atmosphere, something was definitely different between them, and Phil was enjoying that; he even thought that he’d finally get what he always wanted. He actually didn’t quite know what that meant, that sudden slight difference in the way Dan would talk to him, because Dan expressed himself better with words, and the change in his own behaviour towards Dan, seeing as Phil usually expressed his feelings with gestures rather than words, because words were meaningless and people could fake them, but you couldn’t fake an act of love; he knew that. Phil learned that from his mother’s sacrifices.

But, for some weird reason, Phil didn’t think Dan was faking anything, or maybe he just wanted it all to be true.

That was always on the back of his mind, but tonight he had a chance to forget about that for a while, all of the people who lived in the village were gathered at the biggest house there to get to know and bond with each other. The hostess was a nice woman and everyone that lived among them seemed nice, so Dan and Phil decide to go to a “social event” for a change, at least this one time, Phil had insisted. The house was almost not big enough for everyone and there were about forty five people, which made both of them feel a little bit anxious, but they knew they were going to be fine having each other by their sides.

“Hey, so I know that we came here to meet everyone and be sociable, but can we just grab some food and sit in the corner?” Dan asked and Phil just chuckled and nodded, that was so Dan.

So he decided to go along with Dan’s new plan for the night and went to grab some drinks and something to eat. He saw people meeting each other in a corner and then some people listening to one guy playing the guitar while the other sang a nice song in the other end of the room. No one seemed to be paying attention to Phil, which made him relax a bit. He turned around and saw Dan sat down on a sofa staring at him, and, when he noticed Phil was looking at him, Dan chuckled and looked down and Phil forgot how to breathe for a moment. He started walking towards Dan, but then suddenly a girl came out of nowhere, even though he was sure there was no one near him, but he must’ve been distracted. They almost bumped into each other and Phil lost his balance.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry, let me hold that for you,” the girl said and grabbed one of the plates Phil was holding. “Are you okay?” She placed a hand on Phil’s shoulder to stabilize him.

“Yeah, I guess,” Phil said. “But you don’t have to apologize, I should be paying more attention, I didn’t even saw you.” She handed Phil the plate. “And thank you for getting this.”

“No problem, but um—I actually wanted to talk to you, I’m Valorie.”

“I’m Phil.” He held out a hand to greet her, but she gave him a peck on the cheek, and Phil just stood there awkwardly.

“Sorry! We greet people like that where I’m from, it’s a habit I’m trying to kill.”

“No, that’s okay.” Phil chuckled, trying to make things less embarrassing, but he was sure it didn’t work, even though the girl didn’t look sorry at all.

“So,” Valorie started talking again, and she somehow made every word sound so exciting; she radiated energy. “I know that you’re quite new in the village so, you know, if you need help with something, or just want to talk sometime, you can stop by anytime! I live in that little yellow house near the lake, it’s impossible to miss it.”

“Um, yeah, okay, alright.” He made some effort to keep it cool, and seem relaxed, but Phil just wanted to get as far away from here, he wasn’t good at this social thing. “Thanks, Valorie.”

“You can call me Val.” Val winked and then went away.

Phil just stood there for a few second trying to process what had happened. Did she flirt with him or was he reading too much into that conversation? Either way, she seemed nice and he was glad he met someone, after all, that was why he decided to come to this event in the first place, but that still left a sour little taste in his mouth, something about interaction didn’t feel right. Phil decided to ignore whatever that feeling was, he could overthink later, right now there was just one person on his mind, and that was becoming quite a habit, one that scared him, but it was also comforting in its own way, exactly like the one who crossed his mind.

His eyes scanned the room for Dan and found the boy in the same place, but he didn’t have the same look on his face anymore, he had a different glow about him, something rather dark, which confused Phil. He knew Dan didn’t like this kind of things, he thought this was just an act, it didn’t actually mean anything and it was just something made up for appearance, but people were having fun, and the boy said he would too, but only if Phil was there with him; keeping him company, making him laugh and feel secure, the two of them on their little bubble, as it always had been.

But something had changed and Phil knew Dan wouldn’t be able to enjoy this night anymore.

Dan noticed Phil’s stare and walked over to him. “Can we go home? I don’t really feel like staying here anymore.”

“Okay. Let’s at least say goodbye to the hostess and—”

“You can do that, I’ll wait outside.” Dan spun and left, but he also left Phil there, who felt like he had missed something. Seeing Dan like that just made it all worse.

Phil said goodbye to the hostess, Valorie, and even to some people he was briefly introduced to, then went outside to find Dan. He was leaning against the wall, perhaps looking at the moon, but probably lost in his own thoughts, as Phil could almost see the engines twisting on Dan’s mind. He found himself trying to interpret each and every one of Dan’s features: the way his dark hair was curled, and how Phil always thought it would look even better if it was black like his; the way black suited him, and how Phil liked teasing Dan about just wearing black, even though he secretly loved that; the way his figure looked like it was perfectly sculpt, and how Phil couldn’t take his eyes away from each and every inch of Dan; and last, but also probably the thing he loved the most, the warm shade of brown of his eyes, and how Phil thought they always reminded him of home.

It was funny how home was directly connected to Dan, maybe it was all because of him. Phil could try and make some sense out of that, but then Dan finally realized he was standing there and offered Phil something that appeared a “sad smile”. Reason immediately slipped out of Phil’s hands, being replaced by something he couldn’t yet comprehend.

“Let’s go, I can’t stand all this socialization around me anymore,” Dan said and that sounded so shallow.

They walked in complete silence, but this had been strange, it wasn’t the usual comfortable silence, or the occasional glances exchanged between them, or the inside jokes they would make to make each other laugh and forget they were outside and doing sort of an exercise, like walking. Phil knew Dan was tense, he could almost feel the suspense in the air; he didn’t like whatever the hell that meant. But, unfortunately, the dark-haired boy couldn’t bring himself to ask Dan what was that all about. Phil was overthinking everything he’d done in the past 24 hours.

When Dan and Phil got home, Dan went straight to his bedroom and Phil followed him, then finally spoke up:

“Dan,” Phil said softly. He leaned against the door frame and watched as his friend laid on the floor without facing him. “What happened? Talk to me, please.”

Dan just replied with a groan.

“C’mon, Dan, I just want to help. I hate seeing you like this.”

Dan just silently sighed.

“If you don’t wanna talk about it, that’s okay; but let’s do something together so you can distract yourself. We could even bake something, you know it’d be fun!” Phil said, trying to make it sound exciting so Dan would at least face him.

Again, it did not work. So Phil just stood there, waiting for a response he knew would never come, but while he did that, he was trying to find a reason to Dan’s sudden behavior, even though he usually wasn’t reasonable while overthinking.

“Is it me? Did I do something?” Phil asked, his voice dropping. This time, Dan flinched. “Well, I’m sorry for whatever it was I did then. I—I’ll be outside.” Phil didn’t bother hiding the annoyance in his voice.

Even though it was kind of childish, he slammed the door and went out of the room. Phil wasn’t even actually mad at Dan, if anything, he felt hurt. He had gone and messed up something once again, but this felt even worse than anytime he had ever messed up, probably because this was about Dan. The boy still didn’t know what that meant, now everything was about Dan, or maybe everything had always been about Dan, he didn’t know that as well; but he felt like he should know what  his feelings towards Dan were. Phil never liked labels though, and, thanks to the monarchy that ruled over them, people used to label him and everything around them, causing both of the boys to hate labelling anything.

So should he actually name whatever was his relationship and feelings about Dan?

Footsteps grew closer and Phil never really got the answer to that question. He turned around to see Dan standing behind him, and before Phil could even ask Dan anything, Dan began to talk:

“You wanna know what you did? Okay. You fucking saved me and you keep saving me every day. And I’m not even talking about the day you pulled me from the lake.” Dan was gesturing and talking so fast that Phil was trying his hardest to keep up. “You, Phil Lester, are the reason I kept waking up every day since when we lived at that damned village ‘till this day! We live in a terrible world that I’ve never had any intention of staying too long, but then I’d see you and everything would go away. I’d make you laugh and I wouldn’t hate myself as much as I do. I’d look at your eyes and I’d just get lost in them; I literally could go swimming in them.” Dan chuckled and a single tear rolled down his cheek. Phil was just standing there, partly shocked, but he held a tender smile on his face. He tried to say anything, but Dan went on:

“And you’re so beautiful, you know that? People are always looking at you, but little do they know the amazing personality you have, you’re basically an angel. An angel who steals my cereal, but still.” They both giggled. “You’re my best friend and my favorite person, and, believe me, I’ve spent quite some time denying my feelings but I’ve been meaning to tell you all of this since that day in the corn field, but then I hadn’t been feeling good all day and, out of nowhere, that girl was talking to you and did you even realize the way she was looking at you? And then I thought she was flirting with you and I got jealous, which just made things even worse and I started thinking and I just wanted to shut down and go away from that place and, even though I hadn’t even talked to anyone, I felt so exhausted, but you already know that; I’m such an introvert, but that’s okay.” Phil nodded and Dan now had multiple tears falling down his face. “I just— Do I sound too soppy? I don’t know, but I just wanted you to know that you’re so amazing, Phil. You saved me, emotionally and physically and, to be completely honest, it’s always been you and it’s always been me falling for you and I don’t want that to ever change.”

Phil couldn’t find any words to express what he felt, he’d never be able to put into words everything about how much Dan meant to him; so he just grabbed Dan’s face and pulled him closer, locking their lips for the very first time. Dan was taken by surprise, but he leaned in anyway. It felt like they should’ve done this before, because they both felt passion, desire and longing. The moment was so wrong, but perhaps there wouldn’t have been a better time. They pulled apart and Phil had his hands around Dan's neck while the other held Phil’s waist.

“Guess you’re stuck with me now,” Dan said and the two boys shared a laugh.

“I still can get rid of you, don’t forget that.”

“Yeah, but then whose cereal will you steal, Lester?”

“I’d have to start buying mine; so I think I’ll keep you for now.” Phil decided.

Dan and Phil kissed again and Phil felt whole for once, as if the never-ending void that lived in him wasn’t that much of a void now. And just by looking at Dan he felt warm, like he belonged with the other one. The dark-haired boy couldn’t actually see himself with someone other than Dan, and now that was okay, because Phil knew he felt the same. Did something other than Dan really matter at that time? He was taught that the only men he could ever be devoted to were Jesus and God, which Phil thought was a pointless devotion, but when he was about to end his life he was thinking about Dan and his mom. Now he knew better, Phil could see how stupid he’d been; true love was the only kind of devotion he’d ever practice.

 

The next day Phil woke up feeling warmth, but this time it was different, there was someone next to him. For the first time in a long time, he smiled. Having Dan so close next to him was great and now he could get used to that, waking up every day with the only one who could make him happy, someone who brought color to his life: the most beautiful shade of brown, he could stare into those eyes all day long. Phil was dwelling so much on what happened last night, after all, it was basically a dream that had finally come true, that he didn’t noticed Dan was awake and now was facing him, or, at least, trying to, seeing as he was drifting between sleep and consciousness.

“Ugh,” Dan simply said, sighing. His curly hair was all messy and falling down his face, but Phil swore he’d never been so adorable.

“Good morning to you too.” Phil laughed. He fixed Dan’s fringe and placed his hands on Dan’s cheeks, caressing them.

“Why are you all happy right now? You’re usually a beast when you haven’t had your coffee.”

“After everything that we’ve been through and last night, don’t you think I deserve to be happy now?”

Dan smiled softly and leaned in for a kiss.

“I know, and I’m happy too, which, yeah, I know, is a surprise.” They laughed and kissed once again. “I’m happy for _us_ , but you better go and make us breakfast before I start thinking and fall into another existential crisis.”

Phil chuckled and made them breakfast; and as he felt that today was a special day, he made them pancakes, something they hardly ate because the ingredients were often expensive where they lived. Dan and Phil had breakfast in bed together and it ended up being a three-hour breakfast, but it was the best one they’d ever had. They both felt bliss, finally everything was in its right place, and that was sealed with a kiss, or many kisses, in fact. The sun peeked through the window and illuminated Dan, which made his eyes brighter, almost golden. Seeing his eyes in that way took Phil’s breath away for an instant.

“Dan, you know we have get up at some point, right? We’ve got things to do,” Phil said. He didn’t want to leave the bed though; he’d never experienced such comfort and he wasn’t ready to leave, not yet.

“No, we don’t. I know you don’t have to work today, and neither do I,” Dan replied. “We don’t have to act like functioning humans today.”

“Actually, we do. There are some foods on sale today that we should go out and buy.”

“But is it actually worth it? We’ll have to get up, dress up and go out just to buy more food?”

“Are you really refusing food? I thought it was the most important person in your life.”

Dan laughed out loud; for some reason, he loved when Phil quoted things he’d said in the past. “That’s true, but Phil—” Dan whined.

“I can go on my own, don’t worry, it won’t take long.”

“Alright, I’m coming with you.”

“But I just said that—”

“Don’t say anything or I might change my mind.”

“Okay, just don’t take too long to get dressed.”

“Did I sleep with you to be bullied for things I can’t change about myself?” Phil laughed at Dan, sticking his tongue out and Dan just shoved him; He frowned, but it didn’t quite work because he was trying not to laugh at himself. “I have to change my outfit at least three times before going out, you know that! Do you have any idea of what I go through when clothes are different shades of black and don’t match?”

“Wow, that’s a tough one. But take your time then, goth model.”

“Shut up, rat,” Dan said playfully and smiled in a way that he only did when he was around Phil.

After half an hour, and Dan changing his outfit five times, they went out. Something seemed wrong, like as if something was out of place, and the fact that it was strangely sunny just contributed to that. There were more people outside than usual, and Phil knew for a fact that it wasn’t just because there was food on sale. He could hear someone shouting somewhere near them, but he couldn’t make out any words. For some weird reason, that was making him anxious, and, and, as they got close to a crowd, he just wanted to disappear because Phil felt like all eyes were on him.

“Hey, are you okay?” Dan asked.

“Yeah, it’s just… Does this seem strange? I mean..” Phil was going to answer, but then he saw it: a flying object, people sometimes called it a helicopter, but it was a royal one. What were they doing there? “Wait, isn’t that a royal army unit?

“Well, yeah, it is, but what are they doing here? They’ve never come here before, I didn’t even think they knew about this village,” Dan replied calmly, but then he just looked very concerned after a moment. “Did they find out about us? Phil, what if they've come for us? What will they do? But they weren’t here before and I don’t think anyone would or could tell them, even though—”

“Philip Lester! If anyone knows Philip Lester, please, indicate us where he’s currently at, or bring him here!” someone shouted behind them.

Dan and Phil turned around to the voice, which happened to belong to a royal guard, and both of them paled instantly, why were they looking for him? What had Phil done? And Dan was right: it was impossible that someone saw them and told the kingdom about it. Phil felt so accused of something he didn’t even know what was about and the pressure was making him feel sick, he felt like everything was closing in on him. He clinged on to Dan’s hand, and he was sure he was smashing it, but he almost didn’t feel it, as if it was a hallucination, fake.

“We’ll give a hundred pounds to whoever finds or bring us Philip Lester first!” the guard shouted.

Phil wanted to run, get as far away from there as possible, but he just couldn’t, he felt as if he was paralyzed, frozen. It felt like everything was about to happen again, but he didn’t want to run away anymore. The boy finally had everything he’d ever wanted, he’d barely experienced happiness and they were going to take it away from him, or, at least, that’s how Phil’s mind was processing everything. He couldn’t lose everything they’d worked so hard to put together, he couldn’t lose their home; he was sure he had finally found his place in the world, and he couldn’t lose. But above all of that, he couldn’t lose Dan.

He almost lost Dan some months ago, and now this? It must’ve been God’s way of punishing him.

Dan grabbed his arm and began to pull him through the crowd, but somebody stopped them before they could distance themselves from everyone. A man pulled Phil close to him and screamed, getting everyone’s attention.

“I found him! Phil Lester! Here!” the old man screamed. Phil didn’t even know him and he was trying release himself from the man’s grip, but he was too strong and able to keep Phil in place.

“Thank you, sir,” the guard answered. The unknown old man pushed Phil towards the guard, who handed the man some money.

“Now, what are all of you looking at? Go back to your miserable lives!” another guard screamed before helping the first one grab Phil.

Both of the guards were strong, even though one of them was shorter than Phil, so he was trapped. He tried to break free from them, but it wasn’t working, and another guard came into the scene. He was somehow able to take a quick glance around and then realized there were more guards than he’d seen, and perhaps there were actually more of them than the usual, or necessary. As if all of that wasn’t weird enough.

Phil was now being dragged by three guards to the vehicle. He screamed and begged people for help, but no one moved an inch. Everyone just watched, all of them seeming to afraid to do anything, and some of them looked like they felt for him, but he knew, deep down, no one could save him now; the monarchy had control over the guards, and every single person on their country knew better than to against something the monarchy owned. And, still, the rebellion was a thing, even though they’d been quiet lately.

All of those people were making Phil more unstable, he could feel his whole body shaking and he just wanted to disappear, fade away, if possible. But he couldn’t find Dan anywhere, and that was his biggest worry at the moment. His eyes searched through the crowd, but Phil couldn’t locate the boy anywhere, and he should’ve found him already, Dan was way taller than most people, but that familiar face was nowhere to be found.

“Stop fighting, stop resisting, or we’ll make this way worse for you now and when we get there,” one of the guards whispered in Phil’s ear.

He had no choice but to obey, and so he did.

But they did still shove Phil into that “helicopter” thing.

Looking through the window, the last thing Phil saw was someone tall with a perfect figure he knew all too well being absorbed by the sea of people, and then he met Dan’s eyes, but they weren’t that warm shade of brown he could stare at all day, no, they were cold and Dan seemed so far away, out of reach. Phil watched his… What did Dan even mean to him? Probably too much to put into words and he really didn’t feel like labeling their relationship; so Phil watched his Dan blend in with all of the others and their little village.

There were two guards escorting him: the tallest one was a woman, she had light brown hair that matched her eyes, and looked like she could and would kill Phil at any given chance, and the other one, the shorter one, was a man, he was bald and looked like he could be in his late thirties already, but still looked very intimidating. Phil wanted to try anything to escape, go back to Dan; he actually wanted to crack the door so he could just fall out, he didn’t even care if they were flying or how high the chances of him ending up dead were, he had to go back. But Phil knew that, if he did manage to escape while still breathing, their punishment would be way worse than anything they’d done by that point. And he just couldn’t do it, both death and Dan would have to wait a little longer.

Therefore Phil just stared down at the land below him, maybe admiring, or just really trying to communicate with every living thing down there about how hopeless he felt. After what might’ve been an hour or so, everything was blurry and he couldn’t tell if it was because that thing was pretty fast or his eyes tearing up.

Suddenly the vehicle stopped and Phil found himself in the palace. Confusion drowned him, along with despair. His time came to an end, he’d done nothing wrong, right? He thought he made sure no one saw Dan and him. But maybe Phil was wrong and they were going to kill him. The guards sitting in front of him were completely quiet, they hadn’t said a word during the whole time.

“What are we doing here?” Phil asked. They didn’t answer, just got out of the “helicopter”.

The guards opened the door and gestured for Phil to get out. The man and the woman led him the way and he thought he was going to freak out right there, his mind was running with all sorts of thoughts, and they all involved Dan. And, even if that wasn’t the case, he couldn’t bring himself to calm down, everything kept adding up, but nothing made sense! Perhaps the weirdest thing about this was that the guardsmen didn’t ever bother bringing a royal vehicle for their prisoner, after all, Phil now felt like a prisoner, which was probably correct, because they’d often bring people to the castle as prisoners for plenty of reasons; but that kind of vehicle was only meant for the King.

If they didn’t kill Phil, he was sure his own body was going to do it anyway because he was out of control. And then he saw it: among the guards protecting the castle was Nathaniel, one of the guards that tormented Phil back in the village. The boy instantly froze as the curly-haired guard smirked when he caught Phil staring at him, he also nudged some other guards that used to pick on Phil, who just wanted to hide and cry somewhere else far away from there.

Maybe if someone did want to kill him it’d be better than having to go through whatever all of those guards would make him do.

“Keep moving,” the woman said, loud and clear, but she dragged Phil into the castle anyway.

The castle looked magnificent from the outside, so, as expected, it looked ever better from the inside. The massive walls were extremely decorated with paintings of former kings and queens and pretty places, a big red and black rug was extended until the staircase, lots of plants where placed everywhere and the enormous red curtains covered the windows and fell to the floor, just like the back of princesses’ dresses. Phil noticed that almost everything was golden or had some kind of golden detail, which made him sick; for some reason, that felt so wrong, he felt so wrong and intimidated just by being there. That woman kept dragging him, and her grip on his arm was really hurting, he’d have a bruise later. They went upstairs, where everything was equally golden, and she locked him in a room, leaving him all alone, and there was no way he could get out of there. That was probably the biggest room, the King’s room, and that Phil could tell. But the King was nowhere to be seen, which was really weird.

Something definitely was off and that was making him even more anxious. The King was, indeed, getting ready to kill him, that was it. They were going to take him to court and do it like they always did in the stories his mom once told him: they were going to hang him in front of bad people and then move on with their lives, while the person’s loved ones would go insane trying to find out about what had happened. Even though the room was huge, Phil felt like all the walls were closing in on him; everything felt wrong, he felt as if he would combust if he made contact with anything in that room and he couldn’t stop the tears. He kneeled down, shut his eyes and brought his hands to his ears, but there was no sound, it was completely silent. He was so weak, he’d let everyone down, and by everyone he meant his mother and Dan; also, speaking of Dan, what would happen to him? What if they caught him too? Phil wouldn’t be able to do anything and then—

And then someone opened the immense doors, making quite a noise that made Phil flinch. He opened his eyes just to see two people, an old asian couple, a man and a woman, looking down on him.

“Are you alright?” the man asked in a soft tone, revealing he had a french accent.

“Sorry?” Phil answered unsure, still shocked that the man bothered being nice to him.

“What happened, love? Did they treat you badly?” It was the woman speaking now. She kneeled down in front of him and took his hands in hers.

“Yeah.” Phil’s mouth was dry and he was so embarrassed, he must’ve looked like a child.

“I can assure you that they will be punished for that,” she informed him, then stood up. “We have to take you to court now; is that okay with you or do you want to be alone for a few minutes?”

Delaying his death in order to be alone for a few minutes, or ending it all quickly? Both options were terrible, but he couldn’t stand one of them, he wanted all the voices to stop for good. “I’d rather go right now, let’s get this over with.”

“Okay then. Follow us,” the man said and the three of them exited the room.

Going to the courtroom felt like an eternity, Phil just kept walking, following them and having in mind that that was it; there was no going back now, every step could be the last and he was a dead man walking. At least, he’d die a little better knowing that he’d saved Dan and made him happy, perhaps that was enough. And he was happy too, even though he was about to die, Phil knew he was happy. He could hear some voices and they were growing louder and he knew they were getting closer to it, a quick glance at the couple’s face confirmed that.

Now they were in front of another pair of immense doors. He just hoped Dan would continue to live his life and be happy.

Phil closed his eyes, held his breath and walked into the courtroom. When he opened his eyes, everything was exactly how he’d expect it: a room full of people, all of them whispering and looking down on him, and a spot in the middle where he was supposed to stand, right before the King’s throne; but, once again, the King wasn’t there. He couldn’t hide his curiosity and whispered to the woman next to him:

“Isn’t the King supposed to be the one to kill me?” Phil asked.

She didn’t say a word, just shook her head in a way that only him would’ve noticed. Phil just stood there, quiet and confused, after all, it didn’t make any sense. If he wasn’t going to die, what was he there for?

“Philip Michael Lester,” someone behind him started to talk. He turned around and the voice turned out to belong to a tall woman, who was just entering the courtroom. “Welcome back.” She smirked and he just expected her to pull a sword out of the nowhere and end his life.

“‘Welcome back’? I’ve never been here before,” Phil answered.

“You belong here, Philip.” She walked towards him, never dropping her gaze, and stood right in front of him. “You’re the King’s only child, and we’re all glad we finally found you. We’ve been looking for you for quite a while now, you know?”

Phil jumped at those news. He wasn’t the King’s son, he was just a poor Norhern boy, nothing more than that. What did they want him for anyway? Why were they looking for him? Were they ‘them’, the people his mother warned him about? It was too much to suddenly take in. Phil opened his mouth to ask a million questions, but the woman started to talk first:

“We’re aware that you may be confused, but we need you take what’s yours for right; you have to become a King, our King.”

“Wait, no. That can’t be right.” Phil turned around and just stared at the ground, startled. “And, even if I really am the King’s son, why should I become the King right now? Where is he?”

“The King is dead. Your Majesty was killed a few months ago by terrorists and since then we’ve been looking for you.” Phil was trying to speak again, but she shut him down before he could even start. “The only reason we’ve never looked for you before is because the King kept all of the records about his life hidden, so we never even knew about your existence.”

“What about my mom?” Phil was able to ask.

“ _What_ about your mom?”

“We were poor and she wasn’t a Princess or something like that, she’s never even set foot to this place! How am I suddenly the heir to throne?”

“Your mother dated the King, your father, when they were teenagers. You’re right, she was poor and she wasn’t a princess, but he brought her to the castle and gave her everything she needed. According to the information we have, she was pregnant and he used to hit her, so she ran away to protect you,” the woman explained.

Everything was adding up, it made sense, but he just couldn’t believe it, Phil didn’t want to believe any of that was really true. And his mom might’ve killed the King, who apparently was his own father, and that was the “revolutionary” thing she was talking about some months ago. She might as well have been already dead by then. She told him about all of this, how was that ever supposed to be good for him? A few hours ago he was with Dan and, even though they had to sort out all kinds of problems in their lives and their relationship, he had it all; for a brief period of time, Phil Lester had all he’d ever wanted.

Phil obviously wasn’t religious, but if any kind of god wanted to free him from that despair, he would take it. It all went back to that devotion concept he had, not only was it pointless, but it was also draining.

“Now, we’ve got work to do, Lester.” she broke the silence. “Sorry, _Your Majesty_.”

 

By the time they were finished checking all documents and making him sign all sorts of papers, Phil was exhausted, physically and emotionally. Maybe the worst part of it had to be him having to actually sit in the throne, it felt so inappropriate, he’d never asked for all of that, that “royal” life. It was over the top, a completely golden throne, decorated with more golden adornments. And all of that gold was making him sick, it looked twisted, but the worst part was that everything was golden, it didn’t matter where he looked at, it was golden.

Phil was led back to the King’s room, now his room. He couldn’t even believe that belonged to him now, he didn’t need a giant room, servants, a big castle, a throne, or a crown, he didn’t want it, but he had no choice. The room had a balcony that had a beautiful view, nothing but a pretty landscape, but Phil didn’t bother going over there, he feared he’d jump from the balcony and hit the ground, making that landscape his deathbed, throwing his body from up there as if it was as light as a feather, but, deep down, he knew his heart was so heavy it’d pull him to ground in a second.

Loads of footsteps flooded the hall where his room was located, Phil supposed it was the guards, doing their now designed work to “protect” the King from anything that could be considered a threat to the monarchy, which consisted of Phil. He wasn’t worried about having people guarding his door while he slept, it did sound a bit creepy, but he could deal with that, but, then, when someone unlocked his door and came in the room, Phil was indeed worried.

“I don’t think you’re supposed to be here,” Phil said, trying his best to sound tough and make the person go away.

“Well, I don’t think you’re supposed to be here, Lester.” Phil quickly recognized the voice, the one he’d never forget; it was Nathaniel. “Mind if I stay the night? I’m sure you don’t.”

“I actually do, Nathaniel. I’m gonna tell them you’re here and—” Phil stopped mid-sentence when Nathaniel grabbed his waist and, using his other hand, shut Phil up.

“You won’t call them over unless you want three guys inside you, instead of only me; it’s up to you.” Nathaniel’s lips brushed Phil’s ear and it felt like someone had set fire to it, it was dirty. “And you’re not gonna tell anyone about this, it’d make no difference, and they’d accuse you of lying, being paranoid, or something like that. Yes, you are the King, but down there there’s a room full of people that don’t want you on that golden throne and would use anything against you to kick you out of here.”

As if this day couldn’t get worse, now he knew he was completely alone in the castle, no one would defend or save Phil. They didn’t even want him as a King, so there was no point in fighting for anything. Even if he did manage to escape from that place or that moment, they’d kill him.

Nathaniel pushed Phil into the bed and trapped the King using his whole body. Phil remained still under his grip, sudden numbness washing over him for a split second, before everything felt like it was so much and he couldn’t bear, couldn’t push through it.

Death seemed so much better than anything Nathaniel was going to do to him.

“Now, why don’t you turn around and swing those hips for me?” Nathaniel whispered in Phil’s ear.

But the now King stood still, he didn’t even breath; he was afraid, not brave. Phil felt the tears pricking his eyes and Nathaniel smiled creepily. And, even though he was paralyzed, the guard held his arm tightly.

“Are you ever going to turn around or do I have to do that myself, huh, rat?”

Phil opened his mouth to answer, but then he heard the nickname and was immediately reminded of Dan, and that was his breaking point. Although Dan usually called Phil “rat” as a term of endearment, that nickname had just been said with so much disgust, making it all even worse. But where was Dan? Would he come for Phil? Was Dan thinking of him? And, above all of that, was Dan okay? He feared for Dan because he knew what the boy was capable of. Phil was so caught up in his own thoughts that merely felt Nathaniel violently turning him around so that he faced the mattress. Phil’s body might’ve been there, but his mind surely wasn’t.

 

The King was furiously woken up by six or seven guys, including Nathaniel. He hadn’t even opened his eyes and they were already all over him, beating him, hurting him. Phil didn’t bother opening his eyes anyways, seeing their faces always made the whole experience worse, so he just tried to focus on something else, and all the memories from last night came back.

Someone hit his stomach, leaving him out of breath for a second. Last night, Nathaniel choked him until he almost fainted.

Another person slapped him twice, or maybe that was caused by two people. Last night, Nathaniel had already left marks of his hand all over Phil’s body.

They banged his head against the wooden headboard, which damaged his jaw the most, making Phil spit blood and a teeth. Last night, Nathaniel banged him against the wall, pressing Phil’s body so hard against it that he was almost sure he’d be able to walk through the wall after some time.

Last night, Nathaniel hit him with his belt until he was bleeding. Phil now opened his eyes for the first time this morning and met Nathaniel’s face, seconds before he hit Phil in the back of the head with his gun, knocking him out.

For once, darkness felt like bliss.

 

Phil woke up for the second time that day, but this time he was greeted by more familiar and friendly faces: the couple that took him to court yesterday. They looked surprised and intrigued, but Phil could tell they felt for him. He couldn’t even begin to imagine how bad he must’ve looked, the whole experience alone felt like hell, something sempiternal, as if it’d never end, he’d just have to keep suffering eternally. The King tried to sit, but his whole body was hurting, every inch, from top to bottom, and he realized he was going to be less functioning than usually.

“Don’t even move, just sit still, Your Majesty, we’ll get some help,” the man said and exited the room.

The woman sat beside him and ran her fingers through his hair, carefully, as if even his hair would break at the touch. The King realized he didn’t even know their names, but he was already fond of them; they were one of the very few people that had ever taken care of Phil, and that mattered more than anything.

He felt like screaming, trashing his room, thrashing every one of them, hitting his head so hard against the wall so maybe he’d learn something, and crying because it all felt like it was his fault. But Phil didn’t do any of those things. He could barely talk, he’d screamed a lot in the past twelve hours or so; he couldn’t get up, and his arms would hurt so much it wouldn’t be worth it, maybe he couldn’t even throw a cup so that it’d mess up the room, let alone beat up some people; his head already hurt like hell and all those voices in his head were torturing him; and the tears just wouldn’t come, no matter how hard he tried to cry.

“Is there anything that would make you feel better?” the woman asked. He could sense the worry in her voice, but she spoke so slowly, the words melting as she talked.

“Yes.” He could barely speak, but managed to say a word, just to regret doing so; firstly because of how it hurt and what it took him to say such a little word, and also because of the danger, oh, yes, the danger.

Phil couldn’t tell them to find Dan and bring him to Phil, no matter how much he wanted and needed Dan. They could do things to him too, maybe even worse, if those guards found out what he meant to Phil. He wanted to complicate Dan, but his priority was to keep the boy safe. So he shook his head in denial, hoping the woman wouldn’t ask any questions, but then he suddenly had an idea: Phil could send Dan a letter; it was an easy, harmless, and fast, way of letting Dan know he was okay and everything that was going on.

“Do you think I could send someone a letter?” Phil asked, almost sure he that she wouldn’t have heard or understood him if she wasn’t so close.

“Yes, we can provide you everything you need, but do you think you can write with that arm?” she asked.

“Probably not,” Phil answered.

“Well, unless you wanna send a handwritten letter, there’s another way to write a letter, and you won’t even have to move your arm,” she said.

“I can’t thank you enough,” Phil whispered unintentionally.

“You don’t have to, Your Majesty.” She stopped for a second. “You don’t deser—”

“Please, call me Phil.”

“You don’t deserve any of this, Phil, and this place is horrible. I can’t imagine how all of this, all at once, must be for you. I’m so sorry.” She stood up and walked to the door, but stopped before leaving the room. “But, tell you what, I believe there’s a place waiting for us after this, where everything’s golden and you’ll be happy, we’ll all be happy.” The woman went out, leaving Phil broken and all alone in that massive room.

_She better be wrong_ , Phil thought. He couldn’t do this twice, going through all the suffering again, and living without Dan once again. Phil also couldn’t stand all the gold anymore, now he hated that color with a burning passion, the King blamed everything that had gone wrong in his life on it. _Give me happiness; what I’ve always longed for, give me Dan back_ , Phil thought once again, hoping anyone besides him would somehow listen, _or give me death, there’s nothing else left for me anyway_.

* * *

 

By the night, the King had written the letter, using some sort of technology he didn’t know, but that was very useful considering his situation. He didn’t have to do anything but pressing some buttons on a bright screen, then one servant printed it and gave it to some guard, one Phil had never seen before, which was a relief, and she went out to find Dan and give him the letter, following the address Phil provided her.

While the guard was gone, the couple sent some people to take care of Phil, and, somehow, they did manage to make him a little better. His voice was better, he wasn’t as sore as he was in the morning, his wounds were clean and covered with bandages, which made him look like a mummy, and he could move around, kind of. They also dressed him nicely, gave him a white floral suit, with pink and golden details, and a long golden cape. He also had a crown now; but, seeing as they hadn’t had the time to make him his own crown, this was his father’s one, so it was too big and too heavy for him. Phil felt so wrong once again, but he couldn’t do anything to change that, he’d have to accept it.

Phil was looking in the mirror, trying to grow used to seeing him all dressed up like that, when the guard returned. She told him she delivered the letter, but she didn’t found Dan at the provided address, he was actually very far from the village they used to live, joined by a bunch of people, some of them with their faces covered. He asked her if he seemed okay and if she’d done anything to the other or him, she said Dan seemed almost numb, and completely changed when she mentioned, only to him, that it was letter from Phil, and that she’d just given him the letter and came back.

Now, watching the sky, and sat on his golden throne, Phil hoped Dan was okay and that he would find a way to send a letter as well, following the instructions Phil gave him. He tried getting lost in the stars, counting them over and over, but he could only picture Dan’s face in them, he couldn’t stop thinking about him. Was that fixation? Or maybe neurosis? He knew it wasn’t neither of those, but Phil didn’t want to admit what he felt for Dan when they weren’t going to be able to see each other in a long time, perhaps never again.

All of his thoughts were interrupted when someone suddenly started shouting and he heard rushed footsteps coming from upstairs. Phil was immediately startled, it could be one of the guards looking for him, and there was no one nearby, another prove that no one wanted to keep him safe, so he wouldn’t be the King, but he’d be useless and defenseless again. He dug his fingernails deep into the throne, hoping it’d serve as shield against anyone or anything that tried to get close to him. Then a familiar silhouette came running down the hall, towards him. The King would recognize him anywhere, at any time, and probably in another life, so he got up and started running to Dan.

They met right in the middle of the ballroom, where the throne, paintings, and all the golden futile expensive furniture were located, and just hug each other, it felt like time had stopped and nothing mattered anymore. Phil couldn’t and didn’t want to feel nothing but Dan, he wanted, and, somehow, he had to have him closer, as if that hug just wasn’t enough. Therefore, Phil kissed Dan, feeling like he’d just gotten back all the happiness he thought he’d lost.

“I never really thought that you’d come tonight; actually, I told you not to come, Dan!” Phil said. “But are you okay? How are you? You have to—”

“We’ve got to go, Phil, now!” Dan said in a rush. He was still his energetic self, but this was different, and scared Phil in every way possible. “I had no idea, I had no idea, I’m so sorry.” Dan was now shaking and looked like he was in the verge of bursting into tears. He hid his face in his hands.

“What are you talking about? Dan, please, calm down!”

“I didn’t know you were the King, so I joined the rebellion, and turns out they killed the King, the other one, and are coming to overthrow the monarchy,” Dan paused for a split second and looked right into Phil’s eyes. “They’re gonna kill you, Phil, we have to go right now, please, c’mon!”

Dan pulled Phil by the hand, but the King stopped. He couldn’t wait any longer, Phil had to say it out loud, this was his chance, and they’d enter a new chapter in their life, now that they were running away from all of this forever. He pulled Dan closer and started to say, very carefully, making each word sound how much he meant it, but that probably couldn’t happen when there were so many irrational and unexplainable feelings:

“Dan, I lo—” But Phil stopped mid-sentence when something hit him from behind.

It hurt so much, the King had never felt so much physical pain in his life before; even when he’d overworked himself, it never hurt like this. Time and space seemed to stop together and maybe he was falling, but he couldn’t tell, and, luckily, someone grabbed him. Phil stared into the warm shade of brown of Dan’s eyes, and he knew Dan was screaming something, but he couldn’t hear it. He was hit with an overwhelming feeling of tiredness and just wanted to close his eyes, rest a bit, but Dan’s grip on his body and on his face kept him awake, but not for long.

Phil rolled his eyes and looked at his surroundings.

Everything was golden and it all seemed so perfectly real; how could such a beautiful life be possible? Well, at least, not for Dan and Phil.

**Author's Note:**

> funny how dan didn't get to say "i love you" in my previous fic and in this one phil didn't... that almost seems... planned...
> 
> now catch me posting another fic six months 'time inspired by p!atd once again, in which any of them say "i love you" (jk but that might happen let's see)
> 
> also "you're so amazing, Phil" is the best thing i've ever written, peak literature


End file.
